


Rat Poison Would Have Been Simpler

by redsrule1



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Ficathon, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-07
Updated: 2006-07-07
Packaged: 2017-10-03 03:24:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsrule1/pseuds/redsrule1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Created for the  Gud Summries Funaficathingathon.  Ficathon prompts:<br/>1) "What will happen when the wobbly desert meets the Hellmouth? Read all about it in this story! You will be amazed (or maybe just bored) at this tale of love, hate, and most of all...Jell-O!"<br/>2) "Lindsey McDonald is being brainwashed by the hot dogs! Actually it's more complicated than that."<br/>3) "Buffy battles the evil cafeteria soup."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rat Poison Would Have Been Simpler

i.  
A combination of excited chatter and stifled groans buzzed around Lindsey as he entered the classroom along with a stream of teens and their parents. Apparently "Parent - Teacher Day" drew a good crowd in Sunnydale. Lindsey supposed that in order to lure people to work in a town with such a high rate of mysterious deaths, companies must offer their workers an attractive fringe benefit package which included the ability to take off work to attend such functions. He stepped aside at the door, watching casually as others in the group seated themselves. Near the back were two kids, a boy and a girl, each of whom appeared to be here with only their mother. An empty seat divided them and Lindsey took it with a friendly smile to both mothers. The two kids were ignoring each other and the two mothers didn't seem to be interacting either. Perfect for him. Each would assume he belonged to the other family unit and the rest of the class would assume he belonged to one of them. Once everyone had it in their mind that he had a student here, he could move around freely.

He was surprised at how relieved he was when he saw the Slayer enter the room with her sister. He shouldn't have been. After all, he had been hanging around Sunnydale for a couple of weeks now, and he knew how to contact her at any time if necessary. The only reason he hadn't already done so was because his initial intelligence-gathering had revealed that she had a sister. Lindsey knew that getting the Slayer's help would be easier if he were somehow connected to that sister --just another respectable member of the community. This "Parent-Teacher Day" would be perfect to set up the family connection without even having to be too elaborate; having to remember too many details always spelled trouble. His days at Wolfram &amp; Hart had taught Lindsey that family is one of the strongest motivators there is. Family and chocolate. Which is why he had two Tootsie Rolls in his pants pocket as a backup plan. He once carried Hershey's Kisses in his pocket, but they melted, ruining his pants and causing people to stare at him and wonder about the stain. He found that a Tootsie Roll in his pants pocket was more durable, and caused attractive ladies to stare at him and wonder about something else.

After the standard introductions, and the obligatory "see how wonderful we are at Sunnydale Jr. High" commercial, the Slayer made a ridiculously obvious comment, which the teacher took to be inspired insight. To this, the Slayer responded with an oddly-phrased criticism of the food in the school cafeteria, which opened the floor to a debate on the topic. After a couple of comments about kids bringing their lunches from home even though their parents pay for the school lunch program, the mother of the girl to Lindsay's left spoke up.

"My daughter says she likes the food here, but still insists on bringing lunch every day," the woman said, as the girl beside her cringed. "She says that all the cool kids bring their lunch."

Lindsay saw his opening. "Yeah, I hear that all the time," he said, glancing ever-so-briefly toward the girl on his left and the boy on his right. "If school lunch isn't considered 'cool,' it doesn't matter how good the food is. Peer pressure, and the lure of a charismatic personality, will take precedence. At the law firm I used to be with, we had to deal with this one guy who thought he was the cool kid on the block," Lindsey shook his head and smiled tightly. "Always in your face, always interfering with your best laid plans." Some of the faces turned to him were starting to look a little bemused, and Lindsey focused again on the issue at hand. Putting on a wry smile instead, he shrugged. "Always a hot dog. If you can get those types on your side, other people will just...fall in line."

Both of the mothers flanking Lindsey nodded knowingly, and the mother of the boy on his right even responded directly to his comment, all of which served to solidify his connection with them in everyone's minds. Even better, the Slayer had turned to look at him while he was speaking, and her sister seemed to take extra notice of him, eyeing him intently. Lindsey allowed just one corner of his mouth to tip up as he returned her gaze. The Slayer responded with a bright, cheerful smile, then shifted her gaze to the next speaker. By contrast, her sister maintained an expression of guarded concern. Interesting. Perhaps something was afoot.

The important thing was that he'd finally taken the first step toward securing the Slayer's cooperation. Even considering that he hadn't left on the best of terms, he didn't really expect Wolfram &amp; Hart to be coming after him. If he had, he wouldn't have spent the last two weeks just snooping around the Slayer's life and singing at the Bronze under his own name. Not that a fake name would have done him any good. Wolfram &amp; Hart had plenty of psychics that could see through that. But, retribution from the law firm was not entirely out of the question, so it wouldn't hurt to have some kind of relationship with the Slayer, just in case. And besides, she wasn't exactly hard on the eyes, and wouldn't it just irk a certain someone if Lindsey struck up a relationship with his ex?

However, despite all the great things he'd heard about the Slayer, she didn't seem like the sharpest stake in the box. Quite a change from Darla. Now there was a woman who you could see keeping you inspired for centuries. Lindsey shifted in his seat. Well, at any rate, he certainly seemed to have caught the eye of the Slayer's sister. She kept sneaking glances back at him for the rest of the discussion.

ii.  
To Dawn's relief, the Buffybot didn't say anything else during the homeroom session, although Ms. Lefcourt kept looking at her and smiling. Did she suspect? What if she can tell? What if she knows? Surely there was a law about passing a robot off as your guardian. Willow would probably go to jail. She could go to jail. And how would they explain where the robot came from, anyway? It would be so embarrassing. That Brandon Phillips kid especially would make fun of her. Everybody already thought she was weird enough, what with everything that happened last year. If this news got out, the only person who would talk to her would be that super-nerd Eddie McCracken. He'd probably think it was cool to have a robot for a mom. He was probably building one himself. Dawn turned to look at Eddie's mother seated almost in the back of the room. He'd probably already built one. Dawn's eyes narrowed as she studied the alleged "Mrs. McCracken." She looked kind of stiff, and she sort of moved like the Buffybot. Then Mrs. McCracken noticed Dawn, and looked at her questioningly. Dawn quickly shifted her gaze two seats over to some guy who was speaking, pretending she had been looking at him the whole time.

Mrs. McCracken spoke next. "He's right, they can just take over your child's thoughts. People will follow them, whatever they do." She spoke a little too eagerly, like the Buffybot did. Dawn studied the suspicious woman unabashedly, since she had an excuse to do so while she spoke. "One of those girls says 'knock knock,' and everyone else says 'who's there?' I could make the same food here that I make at home, but it wouldn't matter. If one of those kids ate the cafeteria food, everyone else would, right down to dessert. We have to make everyone eat the cafeteria Jell-O today."

Deep down, Dawn knew that, even here on the Hellmouth, the chances of Mrs. McCracken being a robot were extremely slim. She'd been entertaining that idea mainly to amuse herself during the otherwise boring discussion. Until now. What was it with robots and "Knock-Knock" jokes? That was an awfully strange coincidence.

Although she didn't pay a lot of attention to what was actually being said, Dawn followed the rest of the discussion by turning her head to face whomever happened to be speaking. Whenever the speaker happened to be seated within view of Mrs. McCracken, Dawn let her eyes drift furtively to the suspicious woman. One time it seemed that Mrs. McCracken's head turned just a little too far around to look at a speaker behind her. And her face didn't quite look real. Her eyes were too big, and her skin was too tight, especially for such an old woman of -- how old must she be? 30-something? At least?

iii.  
The Buffybot was pleased with herself. She had taken the teacher's cues and turned the discussion to a very important topic, and now, having done her part, she decided to sit back and let the others work out the details. After all, they knew more about food than she did. And besides, she had gotten the message loud and clear that she was not to bring any undue attention to herself today. She had sucessfully fit right in to the discussion and then didn't say anything else until the teacher thanked and praised her for speaking up in the first place. "You're welcome," Buffybot responded. "And thank you for your praise. I will store it in my memory banks." Surely everyone would think she had done very well!

"Did you have any other issues you'd like to address, Ms. Summers?" the teacher asked.

"No, thank you, Ms. Lefcourt," Buffybot chirped, remembering what Dawn had said earlier. "We're just here to make a quick lap around the school so that people can see--"

"Oh, my, thanks for reminding me," Ms. Lefcourt interrupted. "Once again, Ms. Summers has kept us in line. It's time for us to tour the rest of the school. If you'll all just follow me." Ms. Lefcourt paused for a moment until people began to rise from their desks, then made her way out of the classroom. Buffybot sprang to her feet, eager to take the place she felt she had earned, right at the front of the line. Dawn, however, remained seated, taking what seemed like forever to gather her things. Buffybot watched, dismayed, as the rest of the class filed out of the room before Dawn finally rose to follow.

"We should have been at the front of the line with the teacher," Buffybot told Dawn as they straggled along some distance behind the rest of the group.

"Why do we have to be in front?" Dawn asked unenthusiastically.

"It will be difficult for me to continue to keep us in line from the back. And I could discuss other important things with Ms. Lefcourt. You heard what she said. It is all of our responsibility to speak up. I could make the same food here that I make at home. I need to make sandwiches." Buffybot took Dawn's arm and tried to hurry her up.

Dawn resisted. "Buffybo--" she began, then coughed, rather unconvincingly. "Buffy, you don't need to make sandwiches. And you don't need to talk to Ms. Lefcourt."

"But I do!" Buffybot protested. "I am an example to us all because I am willing to speak up about important issues that need to be addressed. Your teacher said so!"

Dawn rolled her eyes, and continued to resist Buffybot's efforts to speed her up. "What other important issues are you going to address?" she asked sarcastically.

Buffybot thought about this for a moment. "That man in the back of the room seemed concerned about people being hot dogs. Does that happen often at this school?"

Dawn shrugged. "No more than anywhere else, I guess."

"And people follow these hot dogs?"

"Some people do," Dawn nodded.

At this, Buffybot slowed her pace, more interested now in their conversation than in catching up to the group. Finally she stopped altogether. Dawn looked relieved. "Why would people follow food? Are hot dogs mobile?"

"What?" Dawn frowned, then chuckled. "He wasn't talking about food. He was--"

It was Buffybot's turn to frown. "Are hot dogs not food?" Buffybot's eyes began to move from side to side as if she were reading. "File: Food. 'Hot Dog: see weiner'. My programming definitely lists--"

"Shhhh!" Dawn hissed. More quietly, she continued, "He was just calling some guy a hot dog. Do you know what that means?"

"I think so. You mean he was saying the man was a wiener."

Dawn looked at Buffybot, uncertain. "Maybe. Some people use that term."

"So this man was six inches long and cylindrical? Or he had a wiener that was six inches."

"What? No!" Dawn's face turned red.

"Then his wiener was a foot long?"

Dawn cringed. "No! God! Just stop! A hot dog can also mean a show-off. You know, somebody who's flashy. If somebody is flashy, you can say they're a hot dog."

"Or a wiener."

"Well, no, actually a wiener is -- just forget the wieners."

Buffybot cocked her head. "But that man in the back of the room was quite concerned with them. He said they were a bad influence."

Dawn closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and held up her hands in a "stop" motion. "Don't worry about hot dogs or wieners. Okay? There aren't any here. We have other things to worry about." Dawn began walking again, following where the class had gone.

"Like what?" Buffybot asked, following Dawn.

" 'Like what?' " Dawn seemed surprised. "Um, like, -- oh, I think Mrs. McCracken is a robot."

"Like me?"

"Shh," Dawn cautioned. "Yeah. She acts kinda strange, like you."

"I act strangely?" Buffybot looked hurt. "But I thought I was doing well."

"Oh, you are," Dawn backpedaled. "You're doing great. No one would ever suspect. But since I know you, I can tell the -- the-- really subtle hints that give Mrs. McCracken away."

"Like what?"

"Oh. Um, well, she mentioned knock-knock jokes."

Buffybot's face brightened. "I like knock-knock jokes."

"I know. And she always has this artificially surprised look on her face. And if anybody could build a robot, Eddie McCracken could. He's like the big super-computer-science-nerd of our class."

Buffybot was about to ask another question when they arrived at the door to the classroom where the group had gone. Ms. Lefcourt motioned them inside and closed the door after them. "You two were moving awfully slowly back there. Is there a problem?"

"We were just talking about--" Buffybot began.

"Lunch!" Dawn interjected. "Buffy just wanted to know if there'd be soup."

Buffybot followed Dawn's lead. "Yes. Soup. I will help to battle the soup."

iv.  
Lindsey chuckled silently to himself. The Slayer had let it slip that she was concerned with the cafeteria's soup. And he didn't buy for a minute her sister's attempt to cover the mistake by saying she'd meant to say "ladle" instead of "battle." So that's what was going on. He wondered what sinister soup some denizen of the hellmouth had conjured up. It could be an Ozkr demon. The adults, referred to as "majors," could pass as human and often posed as cooks, putting their young, called "minors," into the food of unsuspecting humans. The minors incubated in the human's digestive tract, then burst through the host's abdomen as full-fledged majors. Pretty gruesome. Lindsey wondered if that was where the writers of the movie "Alien" got the idea.

They were in a room where apparently the "Health" class was taught, as there were diagrams of the male and female anatomies on the wall, along with other posters saying things like "Smoking Kills" and "Abstinence Is The Only Sure Way." Lindsey nodded his approval of the sign as it went on to say that failing that, one should always use a condom.

Ms. Lefcourt introduced Mr. Concepcion, the school's baseball coach, who apparently doubled as the Health teacher. Then she left the room.

"We like to bring all of our parents to this room," Mr Concepcion said, "to clear up any misconceptions about exactly what we teach in this class. We know that students are often uncomfortable when they first encounter this topic, and they deal with that discomfort by making jokes. So just like we do with our students, I will encourage everyone to get the jokes out of the way by telling me some other names for this." He pointed to a certain area of the male anatomy on a chart.

The students and some of the parents tittered, but no one seemed willing to answer. Lindsey decided to move things along. "Wiener." He said, matter-of-factly. "Sausage. Need more?"

"No," Mr. Concepcion said, "and thank you. You see how uncomfortable you all were..."

Lindsey stopped paying attention to the teacher. He noticed that the Slayer seemed agitated about something. She held her hands out about half a foot apart, indicating size. She then spread her hands about a foot wide, probably indicating the minors and majors. This day could not be going better. Not only had he established a connection with the Slayer's sister, but he was going to get the opportunity to prove himself in battle, perhaps earning himself a feeling of debt, or at least gratitude, for a job well done. Lindsey made ready to spring to the Slayer's aid.

v.  
Dawn was going to have to smack Willow's hand. Although she wasn't sure if Willow had said it this morning or not, Dawn could distinctly remember her saying several times before that she was going to "whip up" some pancakes. That must have been where the Buffybot got the idea to link cooking and "battle." Not to mention, Dawn thought, "beating" eggs, "slicing" carrots, "mashing" potatoes. Cooking was violent.

A stern glance and a near-dislocating shake of the head prevented what could have been an embarrassing question from Buffybot about their earlier conversation and what the man just called that portion of the male anatomy. Buffybot pouted but put her hands down and said nothing. Trying not to panic any further, Dawn returned her attention to Mrs. McCracken. Even though she'd started to believe that maybe, just maybe, the woman was a robot, it seemed completely silly when she told Buffybot about it. But she couldn't deny that her face didn't look natural. And what sentient being would wear that outfit?

Buffybot said nothing for the entire class period, except for giving a precise description of the workings of the male reproductive system. The teacher was impressed with her knowledge, and Dawn would have been, too, had she not known that Buffybot probably got that knowledge from Spike. Which was kinda... ew. Maybe. What definitely was embarassing, though, was that everyone was staring at her while the Buffybot talked about this.

One of the parents asked if it was all right for her to leave, because she had to get to work. Mr. Concepcion said that a parent could leave at any time, and could take their kid with them, as long as they notified the teacher. Dawn was about to whisper to Buffybot to ask to leave, when Mr. Concepcion said that it was time to move on to the next class.

vi.  
Buffybot sprang to her feet again, but again Dawn delayed in getting up to leave until most everyone else had gone. At least they weren't the last ones out of the room this time.

"When we get into the next class," Dawn said as they slowly walked down the hallway, "say that we have to go and ask to take me home."

Buffybot frowned. "But I thought you said I was doing great."

"You are," Dawn replied, nodding like she meant it. "But the longer we stay here, the more time somebody has to figure out your secret."

"Like you have done with Mrs. McCracken."

"Yeah," Dawn chuckled. "Just like that."

Buffybot stopped abruptly and sniffed. "I sense smoke."

"We're by the cafeteria," Dawn replied, unconcerned. "They're having a cookout for lunch, in the courtyard just outside there, see?"

Buffybot looked through the cafeteria door and out the window to the courtyard. "I see. They are cooking outside. Over smoke."

"Pretty much," Dawn said, turning to continue down the hallway.

Buffybot grabbed Dawn's arm, stopping her dead in her tracks. "What's that?"

"What?"

Buffybot pointed at the cafeteria menu board. "There. On that sign. I don't understand. How can a desert be wobbly?"

"Huh?" Dawn looked at the menu. "Oh, not 'desert.' It says 'wobbly dessert.' They're not allowed to use the word 'Jell-O.' I think it's 'cause they don't use real Jell-O."

By now the remaining stragglers had caught up to them, and joined in the conversation. "See? That's exactly my point," said the woman who had demanded in Ms. Lefcourt's class that something be done about the quality of the food. "With all the money we pay for the lunch program, they don't even bother to use real Jell-O. Who knows what other cheap substitutions they're making? And what happens to the money that's left over when the cafeteria cuts these corners? I'm going to find out."

vii.  
Dawn watched as the woman hurried off to catch up with the group. One down, three to go.

Buffybot shook her head. "I'm sorry, Dawn, but I think you are mistaken. That doesn't say 'dessert,' it says 'desert'."

Dawn smiled uncomfortably at the three remaining stragglers: Eddie and Mrs. McCracken, and the man who had named the male anatomy. "Heh. Well, I'm a little bad at spelling, Buffy. Why don't we catch up to the group and ask Mr. Concepcion, Buffy." Dawn tugged on Buffybot's arm, but the android didn't budge.

"No, Dawn, I'm quite certain. My optical character-recognition software definitely tells me that this says 'desert,' not 'dessert'."

"Ix-nay on the oftware-say," Dawn whispered to Buffybot through the clenched teeth of her forced smile. We're sunk, she thought.

Buffybot noticed Dawn's forced smile. "Am I supposed to be smiling at these people, too?" She flashed an extra-cheerful Buffybot grin.

The man almost started laughing as he looked at the two of them. "I think your sister is right, Dawn. The menu definitely says 'wobbly desert'. Maybe we should tell Mr. Concepcion that his students need work on their spelling."

"I don't think spelling is of the highest priority right now," Buffybot replied, turning to look at Dawn. "This man confirms that the cafeteria is serving a wobbly desert. Humans cannot eat sand."

Trying desperately to save the situation, Dawn forced a laugh through her faux-cheerful face. "Heh, heh, um, I get it! 'Desert.' 'Sand.' You keep us laughing with your jokes, Buffy."

Mrs. McCracken looked pointedly at her son. Dawn nearly panicked. She's not buying it! Buffybot gave it away with her software comment!

Eddie didn't look at his mother, but stared intently at Dawn and Buffybot. "No, humans cannot eat sand," he agreed, face flushed. "Come on, Mom, let's catch up."

As the McCrackens walked away, Dawn turned her attention back to the man, who was chuckling to himself.

Maybe he took it all as a joke after all. "Did-- did we say something funny?" Dawn asked, tentatively.

"What didn't you say funny," the man replied. " 'Humans cannot eat sand', 'Optical character-recognition software.' You've got quite a sense of humor, Buffy. May I call you 'Buffy'? I'm Lindsey."

"I'm not a robot," Buffybot chirped.

"I didn't say you were," Lindsey laughed.

"But she is!" Buffybot pointed in the direction that the McCrackens had gone. Dawn slapped a palm to her forehead.

"Who, Mrs. McCracken?" Lindsey furrowed his brow. "Well, her face doesn't look right, I'll grant you that. And it might explain that choice of outfit."

"And she likes knock-knock jokes," Buffybot added. "I do not like knock-knock jokes."

"A robot," Lindsey nodded. "That's pretty amazing."

"I was just bored," Dawn explained. "I just made it up 'cause I was bored in Ms. Lefcourt's class."

"I don't know," Lindsey mused. "She could be. You obviously noticed something that made you think that. She could be an evil robot."

"An evil robot?" Buffybot asked. "Do they make those?"

"Anything can happen on the hellmouth," Lindsey replied. "You let me know if you need any help with that... soup." He winked, and then turned to catch up to the group.

Dawn watched him go, amazed.

viii.  
The next class session dragged by for Lindsey. He had made contact with the Slayer and her sister, and had let them know that he knew what was what and that he was willing and, he had implied, able to help. All he needed now was for the Slayer to make her move. But she just sat there, smiling calmly, for the whole session with the computer teacher, speaking up only to answer several of the teacher's questions. Sharp or not, she certainly knew her computers. And the male anatomy, he thought with a wry smile. One more reason to strike up a relationship. Dawn, however, seemed much more restless and eager to get on with battling the demon, since she spent most of the session nudging and poking Buffy, trying to prod her into action.

With the Slayer seemingly in no rush, Lindsey spent the balance of the session studying Mrs. McCracken. Hellmouth or no, he was pretty sure that Dawn had indeed just made up that bit about the woman being a robot. The odd look to her face was apparently just a none-too-subtle facelift. It was her son, however, who acted suspiciously. All through the discussion, the boy kept stealing glances in the direction of the Slayer and her sister. And he had behaved oddly when they had spoken in the hallway. Was it the boy? Was he the demon?

ix.  
Try as she might, the only thing Dawn could get the Buffybot to say in the session with the computer teacher was the answer to whatever question the teacher had just asked. This, of course, merely had the effect of getting another one of Dawn's teachers to sing Buffybot's praises. When the session was over, Dawn was now the first one out of the classroom, the Buffybot close on her heels.

"I thought you wanted me to not draw attention to myself," Buffybot said. "Why did you want me to answer all of those questions?"

"I was trying to get you to tell Mr. Ross that we had to leave," Dawn said huffily.

"But that would be a lie. I am not capable of lying."

"You just stood there and told that man Lindsey that you weren't a--" Dawn's voice, having raised somewhat, now dropped to an almost inaudible whisper. "--you know."

"Yes, I did," the Buffybot confirmed cheerfully.

"And that you don't like Knock-knock jokes."

Buffybot grinned. "I lied when I said I didn't like knock-knock jokes."

"Exactly my point! You lied."

"I am able to lie in order to prevent harm to myself or others, and in order to prevent someone from discovering my true identity," Buffybot replied.

"Yeah." Dawn scoffed. "And the longer we stay here, the more likely that is to happen. I told you that before."

Buffybot paused. "Yes, you did. You are right. We should leave immediately. I'll go tell Mr. Ross. Where is he?"

"He's behind us," Dawn replied. "We were the first ones out of the room."

Buffybot wheeled around and ran right into Lindsey.

"Oh!" Buffybot exclaimed. "I'm very sorry."

Lindsey shook his head and blinked his eyes. "My fault. I was following too closely."

"How--" Dawn's eyes widened with fear. "How long were you behind us?"

"Since you left the classroom," Lindsey replied.

"So you heard-- that was a private conversation!" Dawn protested. "What did you hear?"

"Everything," Lindsey said matter-of-factly. "But it's okay. I already know your true identity, Buffy. But I won't tell anyone."

Dawn gasped. "So you know that she's--"

"The Slayer. Yeah. That's what I was telling you in the hallway before. I know you're the Slayer, and I'm here to help."

Dawn nearly swooned with relief.

x.  
Buffybot wasn't sure what to do now. Her cover had been blown, but it was not the cover that she was programmed to lie to protect. "Yes. I am the Slayer. But no matter what you just heard, I really don't like--"

"Let's just go," Dawn said impatiently.

"Oh, yes," Buffybot said. "We need to tell Mr. Ross that we're leaving."

"Yeah, I get it. That way you can go ahead and take care of the soup without anyone wondering where you went." Lindsey looked behind him, and saw the rest of the group heading down a different hallway. "Listen, you go ahead, and I'll go back and tell them you're leaving. Then I'll meet you back at the cafeteria." Lindsey turned and hurried off.

"Soup?" Buffybot asked, confused.

Dawn shook her head. "That's the second time he's mentioned soup. Do you suppose he knows something? Maybe we should check it out."

"The hot dogs probably warned him about it."

"What is it with you and hot dogs?"

"It's not me," Buffybot protested as they entered the cafeteria.

xi.  
Lindsey was relieved to finally be getting on with it. The only problem now was that the class had apparently already entered whatever room they were going to, and he couldn't find them. He had just begun looking in random doors when Eddie and Mrs. McCracken emerged from a room further down, and headed in his direction. Lindsey stopped and ducked into a doorway to hide himself.

"One bite of that soup, and I've got her," Eddie was saying as they passed by.

Lindsey pressed his ear further into the gap he'd left as he held the classroom door open just a crack, but he couldn't hear any more. That is, not until the teacher of the class whose door he was standing in spoke up.

"Can I help you?" the teacher asked.

Lindsey turned to look at the teacher and smiled nonchalantly. "Whoops. Wrong room," he said, and left.

xii.  
With the cafeteria's lights off, Dawn relied mainly on the Buffybot to ensure that the coast was clear. Once they were certain that the cooks were all outside, they turned on just one light in the kitchen.

"I do not see any soup," Buffybot reported.

"Was soup even on the menu?" Dawn furrowed her brow, trying to remember.

"Yes, it was," Buffybot nodded. "Right before the wobbly desert. Since we're here, we should check into that as well. It may have sand."

"Eating a little sand won't kill anybody," Dawn assured her, then stopped and thought. "But it would be a good idea to check out the Jell-O. Mrs. McCracken seemed awfully keen on getting everybody to eat it."

"And she's an evil robot," Buffybot reminded her.

"I don't really think she is." Dawn lifted the lid from a large pot. "It's probably just a bad facelift."

"I'm a good robot," Buffybot proudly asserted.

"This is it," Dawn announced. "I found the soup."

"Don't touch the soup, Dawn!" Lindsey shouted from the other end of the cafeteria. He ran toward them, but a smaller figure jumped out of the darkness and tackled him.

Buffybot started to run to Lindsey's aid, but someone tripped her, sending her sprawling on the floor. That same someone then ran toward the other end of the kitchen.

Pot lid still in hand, Dawn ran to the light switches and turned the rest of them on. "Mrs. McCracken!"

Mrs. McCracken had found a large tray of Jell-O, and picked it up. She started to run with it. Since the light switches were closer to the courtyard door than the Jell-O had been, Dawn cut Mrs. McCracken off.

The woman stopped. "You must let me out," she pleaded. "Everyone must eat the Jell-O!"

"Nobody's eating that Jell-O," Dawn said, eyes narrowing.

When the lights came on, Lindsey recognized Eddie as his assailant. He quickly shoved the boy off of him and stood up. He began to run toward the soup, but tripped over the Buffybot and veered head first into a cart full of frozen food packages. Scrambling to his feet, he picked up a package and looked at it, then looked up. Eddie had regained his feet and was running toward him. Lindsey threw the food package just as Buffybot was standing back up. It hit Buffybot in the forehead with a metallic clang, causing her to lose her balance and fall again. Lindsey winced. "Oops," he muttered.

The sound of the frozen package hitting the Buffybot caused Eddie to stop in his tracks and look at his mother. "Don't let her get the Jell-O," he shouted.

"Oh, I'll get the Jell-O," Dawn promised as she started toward Mrs. McCracken.

The woman backed away from Dawn, then turned and ran behind a table. Dawn stopped on the opposite side, feigning moves to one side then the other. Finally she ran toward Mrs. McCracken around the right side. "Run!" Eddie shouted to his mother, who began circling the table to get away from Dawn. Dawn stopped momentarily to pick up a bit of Jell-O that had fallen off the tray as Mrs. McCracken circled the table.

"Run toward the door!" Eddie shouted, exasperated.

Another metallic clang rang out from the back of the kitchen. Lindsey had carried the metal soup pot to the metal sink and began pouring its contents down the drain. "Nooo!" Eddie cried out.

Dawn beat Mrs. McCracken to the courtyard door again, and stood there guarding it. As she did, she looked closely at the Jell-O in her hand. "It is full of sand!"

Buffybot had staggered to her feet again, somewhat dazed. An occasional blue spark eminated from a small gash on her forehead, but she quickly covered it with her hand. With her other hand, she bent down and picked up the missile that had caused the damage.

Eddie ran up to Lindsey and hit him with a fist to the back. Lindsey dropped the pot and whirled around to grab his attacker. The boy struggled, but Lindsey held him firm. "Settle down, boy, it's over."

"But she must eat the soup!" Eddie wailed.

Mrs. McCracken echoed that cry, with a slight variation: "They must eat the Jell-O!" With that, she charged at Dawn. Desperate, Dawn swung the pot lid as hard as she could. The lid hit Mrs. McCracken in the head with yet another loud clang of metal striking metal. The woman crumpled to the floor, unconscious.

"NO!" Eddie shouted.

"She really is a robot," Dawn said, bending over Mrs. McCracken. Sparks were crackling from a gash on the woman's forehead.

"Give it up," Lindsey sneered, as Eddie continued to squirm. "We know you're a demon, and you've been trying to impregnate people with the soup."

"What?" Eddie looked incredulous. "I'm no demon!"

Lindsey examined Eddie more closely. "You're right. You're not."

"But your mom's a robot," Dawn pointed out.

"No, she's not. Not my real mom. I built that robot to help your sister fight demons."

"You know my sister's--"

Eddie nodded. "The Slayer."

Dawn nearly swooned again.

"It's a pretty open secret by now," Eddie observed.

Lindsey shook his head. "But why?"

"I wanted Dawn to notice me. I thought that building a helpful robot for her sister would get her attention."

Giving a little shudder, and deciding to ignore Eddie's motivations, Dawn asked "But why did she want everybody to eat the Jell-O when it was full of sand?"

"The sand has silicon in it," Eddie explained. "One of the cafeteria workers is--"

"An Ozkr demon," Lindsey finished. "And they can't reproduce in an environment with silicon. But what's the deal with the soup?"

Less dazed now, the Buffybot interrupted. "So if Eddie and Mrs. McCracken are the good guys, and Lindsey tried to stop them, Lindsey must be the bad guy. Look! He's holding Eddie captive now!"

The danger over, Lindsey released his hold on Eddie. "Hey, now, it's not like that."

Buffybot held the package out in front of her. "These hot dogs are spoiled. They're way past their expiration date. They're bad hot dogs. You use the hot dogs to hurt me. You're under their spell. You're a bad man!"

"Now, Buffy, let's just talk about this." Lindsey pulled the Tootsie Rolls from his pocket. "Here, take one of these."

Buffybot gasped and pointed at the Tootsie Rolls with her free hand. She then realized that same hand had been covering the gash on her forehead, and she quickly replaced it. "You've got hot dogs in your pocket! You carry them with you! You want the hot dogs to influence me! You want me to fall in line like the other people!

" Lindsey noticed the gash and the sparks, but made no outward sign that he had. "What? No, these are Tootsie Rolls. They're not the same thing. These are chocolate." He pointed to the frozen package in Buffybot's hand. "Those are--"

Eddie suddenly pointed behind Buffybot at the menacing cafeteria worker who was trying to sneak up behind the android. Lindsey noticed it, too.

"Ozkr major!" Lindsey shouted.

Buffybot looked down at the package in her hand. "Is that how this is pronounced? I thought it was 'Oscar Mayer'."

xiii.  
In the end, the killing of an Ozkr demon was rather less difficult than convincing the Buffybot that Lindsey was not actually under the influence of any meat product. But, as usual, the hardest thing of all was sneaking the demon's body and the McCrackenbot out of the school without anyone noticing. Dawn and Buffybot distracted a cafeteria worker who had come in to check on her colleague by pointing out that the hot dogs for the cookout were expired. She left to inform her supervisor.

Still being the helpful fellow parent, Lindsey volunteered his car as the demon/bot disposal hearse.

"I hope you're not bleeding too badly," Lindsey said to the Buffybot, as he and Eddie carried the demon out to his car.

As soon as the demon had been killed, Dawn had produced a couple of band-aids from her purse to cover Buffybot's cut. "She'll be fine," Dawn spoke up around the McCrackenbot's shoulder as she and the Buffybot followed, hauling it between them. Dawn was relieved at this confirmation that Lindsey had not noticed the sparks.

Lindsey smiled and changed the subject. "So tell me, what was the deal with the soup?"

"I-- I put a love potion in it." Eddie shrugged. "I just wanted to have a backup plan."

"You were going to have the entire school eat a love potion?" Dawn asked, incredulous. "Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? I know somebody who tried that!"

"Well it's not like many people eat school lunches anyway," Eddie mumbled. "Besides, I figured if you didn't eat it, maybe Lisa Mathison would. I mean, she's hot too."

"Lisa Mathison?" Dawn gasped indignantly. "You were just going to -- I mean," she brought herself up short, "not like I care or anything."

"So, why don't I give you a ride home, Eddie," Lindsey offered as they closed the trunk on the Ozkr and the McCrackenbot. Eddie shrugged a nod, and got in the car as Lindsey stepped closer to Dawn and the Buffybot.

"It was nice meeting you," Lindsey smiled at the 'bot and held out his hand, which she shook purposefully. "Maybe we'll run into each other again sometime."

"Perhaps on another Parent-Teacher day," Buffybot nodded earnestly. "I am sure the Teachers would like to have me back."

"Yes, you were a real hit," Lindsey's smile widened. Knowing that a robot Slayer, however life-like, would be of little help to him should Wolfram &amp; Hart decide to come after him, Lindsey had decided to implement his plan B. "I travel a lot though so, it's hard to say. Looks like I'll be going to Nepal, and I might be gone quite a while."

"Well, that's too bad," Dawn said, sounding a little too relieved as she took Buffybot's arm, and started steering her away. "But we'd probably better go. There's always some sort of demon somewhere doing evil things. Thanks for the um, cleanup help."

"No problem," Lindsey tried to look like a helpful sort of guy as the two walked off. "It was an interesting day."

He turned and got into the car, then looked over at Eddie. "So, you like working with robots, Eddie."

"Yeah, they're ok," Eddie said noncommitally.

"Ever work with people? More on the cyborg end?"

Eddie stared at him. "No-o-o..."

"Could be some people pretty interested in a guy who knew about robots, who maybe wanted to branch out, make a little money," Lindsey said as he started the car.

Eddie flicked a glance over at him. "Yeah?"

"Oh yeah, kid," Lindsey smirked as he pulled away from the school. "Sky's the limit." He watched Eddie ponder that thought for a moment, before leaning over and winking.

"And the next time you want to impress a girl, try chocolate."


End file.
